Excuses and abstinence.
Okay, so I haven't put my work up for the last few weeks, and there's a reason. It sucks. I simply haven't been proud of the work that I've been doing, and I've been in this weird, unfunny funk for the last week or so. Sorry, it happens. It's like writer's block, only all of the humor has been sucked out of my system. It's getting better though. Here's some old stuff that I wrote up for a Facebook group called "The Silver Ring Thing" that I really liked. I'll post my final draft of my stand up act as I get more comfortable with its quality. Anyway, abstinence:
The Silver Ring Thing!:
Description:
We're like, just a bunch of guys and girls that are dedicated to showing people that the best sex, is no sex. We like to keep it real by letting people know that condoms only work 85% of the time. That's like, almost not at all! We just want everyone to know that there's a lot of misinformation out there, like, did you know, that sex can be "fun", but abstinence can be a whole lot funner!? It's true. Look it up.
The real reason we're here is to keep you up to date on Abstinence-only education, and why it works more better than the kinds of "protective" educations that a certain "political party" wants to teach. There is nothing errant about abstinence-only ed. There are numbers and things that prove how awesome it really is.
Make sure to check out the whole message board for lots of really insightful, really deep, really down to earth information about abstinence!
Announcement (Group Info):
Everyone, I just want you to know, that you're all special. Really special. And you need to find that special someone, someone you can connect with on, like, a lot of, you know, levels. Sex can't help you find that person, and sex of any kind is bad, and can get you pregnant! The Silver Ring Promise Ring Thing that you Promise to Do is a promise that you make, where you wear a silver ring thing, and stay abstinent, because you have a ring on your finger. Sound like a sure fire way to keep you sex-free? Sure it does! Nearly 20% of the cool kids that take the Silver Ring Thing promise oath stay abstinent until they're done with high school, and some, even through college. That's a lot!
Post: Iron Hymen
Some real cool kids were keeping it real with me the other day, and they told me that they'd happened upon this real cool site, with lots of information about why sex is bad for you. http://www.ironhymen.com Check it out.
For example, did you know that: When a boy's disgusting private goes inside of a girl's shameful unmentionable, there is a serious risk of it breaking off and causing excruciating pain while it travels throughout your body like a giant trichinosis worm.
This is true. There are studies. It's just amazing what you find out when you do a little research.
Post: Hold Up!:
Whoa, my bud Jared just let me know that there's this super cool, super down to earth, super deep website that's like a sister site, or should I say brother site (LoL!) to the cool girls at ironhymen. the site is http://www.sexisforfags.com , and it's got loads of ways that guys can get off, by not getting off! Thanks Jer.
Post: Stat!:
Statistics. That's what the truest of true arguments are made up from. That's where I get the numbers that tell me that abstinence-only ed doesn't only work, but it works good. Check it, did you know that 60% of kids under the age of 16 haven't had sex! Nobody tells us these completely true things, free of all that spin that politicians do! Listen, reports about numbers don't lie, they like, can't!
Alright, alright, alright you say, slow down man, you say! Okay man, I'm slowed. What do all these numbers mean? They mean that 15% of the time that you have sex while using a condom, you could get your girl pregnant. What if I took a gun and pointed it at you and said "I'm going to shoot you 100 times, but you'll only get hit by 15% of the bullets" You'd say "Dude, no! Don't shoot me!" But that's what sex is like. Getting shot. And you aren't alone; there are a lot of people who don't want to get shot! Like 60% of kids under 16! Like 20% of kids in high school! They don't like the idea, and you guys can not get shot together.
Post: Whoops:
I forgot to add some down to earth discussion about born again virginity. Listen, if you've had sex, and know how awful and disgusting and horrible it is, it's okay! You can still be alright in the eyes of God's representatives on earth, and your friends might not call you a slut anymore! Born again virginity is like, if you shot someone (to totally borrow my own analogy!), and they did or didn't die, you can be like "Dude, I totally didn't think that shooting you would be so horrible and give me this rash! I never want to shoot anybody again!", and you'd be innocent of ever shooting anyone. The courts couldn't even prove it if they had video tapes and stuff. Born again virginity is one of the many special ways that people who have fallen into the trap of sex with others can get out of that trap, by simply saying they weren't in the trap in the first place, even if they really were! Isn't that awesome! Just thought I'd drop the knowledge.
Post: Come On Guys:
Man, as a guy who has been fighting for Abstinence only-education for a long time, I come across a lot of people who are like "Dude, I'm too radical for all of that, sex is cool" Well dude, I've got a few messages for you. For one, sex isn't cool. For two, I'm a radical guy, and I don't want sex in my life! I had a roommate who listened to The Clash and The New York Dolls! So, like, I know about being radical, though I'm a Genesis man myself (if you don't think Phil Collins is radical, you just ain't smart!1!!). In fact, I'm the member of the Raging Radical Republican Religious Right! That's a group made up of some amazing people and we go on vacations and get time-shares and stuff with corporations. It's cool. Anyway, you don't need to be a square to not have sex, I'm not square, and I'm proud to say, in a radical, awesome, and totally down to earth way, I'M NOT GOING TO LET SEX DESTROY ANY CHANCE THAT I HAVE IN AN EMOTIONALLY SATISFYING RELATIONSHIP, IN FACT, I REALLY DON'T WANT TO HAVE SEX EVEN WHEN I'M IN THAT RELATIONSHIP, BECAUSE IT WOULD TOTALLY RUIN ANY REAL CONNECTION THAT WE HAD AND THAT WOULD NOT BE THAT COOL AT ALL AS I ENJOY THOSE CONNECTIONS WHEN THEY FORM!!!!! Just a thought man, radical abstinence is a great thing in life, and you should live by it.
Post: Okay dudes:
Seriously guys and girls! Well, I guess it's just us dudes here, but come on man! We need more recruitment!
Oh well. Here's a poem I wrote about how totally awesome and cool virginity is:
Virginity?
Virginity!
You mean things to me,
Like the syrup from a tree,
You are important to me.
If you leave,
I'll be decieved,
and want to grieve.
I CANNOT BREATHE!
Do not leave!
Because I want to be able to breathe!
Breathing is important to me
Important like you,
Virginity.
I totally hope you get the hidden message in that poem. It's really deep, and it took me a super long time to write it. I know you're thinking, "Dude, that's really deep." Well you're right dude, you're right.
Peace out, and remember: keep your man thing out of their hoo-hahs, and they'll keep their hoo-hahs away from your man things, but most importantly, you'll both keep your dignity.
Post: Been awhile:
Hey, I just wanted to let all of you guys and girls know, and this is totally true, that if you end up having sex with someone, you'll have to have sex with everyone that they've ever had sex with. It's ok though, I think you get like, ten years or so to do it, so you've got plenty of time. Point is, don't have sex with one person, or you'll end up having sex with, like, thirty. Unless they've never had sex with anyone. Or just one other person....oh well, either way, if you have sex, you'll go to hell and be sodomized by little fire-rocks. It's in the bible. Look it up.
The Silver Ring Thing!:
Description:
We're like, just a bunch of guys and girls that are dedicated to showing people that the best sex, is no sex. We like to keep it real by letting people know that condoms only work 85% of the time. That's like, almost not at all! We just want everyone to know that there's a lot of misinformation out there, like, did you know, that sex can be "fun", but abstinence can be a whole lot funner!? It's true. Look it up.
The real reason we're here is to keep you up to date on Abstinence-only education, and why it works more better than the kinds of "protective" educations that a certain "political party" wants to teach. There is nothing errant about abstinence-only ed. There are numbers and things that prove how awesome it really is.
Make sure to check out the whole message board for lots of really insightful, really deep, really down to earth information about abstinence!
Announcement (Group Info):
Everyone, I just want you to know, that you're all special. Really special. And you need to find that special someone, someone you can connect with on, like, a lot of, you know, levels. Sex can't help you find that person, and sex of any kind is bad, and can get you pregnant! The Silver Ring Promise Ring Thing that you Promise to Do is a promise that you make, where you wear a silver ring thing, and stay abstinent, because you have a ring on your finger. Sound like a sure fire way to keep you sex-free? Sure it does! Nearly 20% of the cool kids that take the Silver Ring Thing promise oath stay abstinent until they're done with high school, and some, even through college. That's a lot!
Post: Iron Hymen
Some real cool kids were keeping it real with me the other day, and they told me that they'd happened upon this real cool site, with lots of information about why sex is bad for you. http://www.ironhymen.com Check it out.
For example, did you know that: When a boy's disgusting private goes inside of a girl's shameful unmentionable, there is a serious risk of it breaking off and causing excruciating pain while it travels throughout your body like a giant trichinosis worm.
This is true. There are studies. It's just amazing what you find out when you do a little research.
Post: Hold Up!:
Whoa, my bud Jared just let me know that there's this super cool, super down to earth, super deep website that's like a sister site, or should I say brother site (LoL!) to the cool girls at ironhymen. the site is http://www.sexisforfags.com , and it's got loads of ways that guys can get off, by not getting off! Thanks Jer.
Post: Stat!:
Statistics. That's what the truest of true arguments are made up from. That's where I get the numbers that tell me that abstinence-only ed doesn't only work, but it works good. Check it, did you know that 60% of kids under the age of 16 haven't had sex! Nobody tells us these completely true things, free of all that spin that politicians do! Listen, reports about numbers don't lie, they like, can't!
Alright, alright, alright you say, slow down man, you say! Okay man, I'm slowed. What do all these numbers mean? They mean that 15% of the time that you have sex while using a condom, you could get your girl pregnant. What if I took a gun and pointed it at you and said "I'm going to shoot you 100 times, but you'll only get hit by 15% of the bullets" You'd say "Dude, no! Don't shoot me!" But that's what sex is like. Getting shot. And you aren't alone; there are a lot of people who don't want to get shot! Like 60% of kids under 16! Like 20% of kids in high school! They don't like the idea, and you guys can not get shot together.
Post: Whoops:
I forgot to add some down to earth discussion about born again virginity. Listen, if you've had sex, and know how awful and disgusting and horrible it is, it's okay! You can still be alright in the eyes of God's representatives on earth, and your friends might not call you a slut anymore! Born again virginity is like, if you shot someone (to totally borrow my own analogy!), and they did or didn't die, you can be like "Dude, I totally didn't think that shooting you would be so horrible and give me this rash! I never want to shoot anybody again!", and you'd be innocent of ever shooting anyone. The courts couldn't even prove it if they had video tapes and stuff. Born again virginity is one of the many special ways that people who have fallen into the trap of sex with others can get out of that trap, by simply saying they weren't in the trap in the first place, even if they really were! Isn't that awesome! Just thought I'd drop the knowledge.
Post: Come On Guys:
Man, as a guy who has been fighting for Abstinence only-education for a long time, I come across a lot of people who are like "Dude, I'm too radical for all of that, sex is cool" Well dude, I've got a few messages for you. For one, sex isn't cool. For two, I'm a radical guy, and I don't want sex in my life! I had a roommate who listened to The Clash and The New York Dolls! So, like, I know about being radical, though I'm a Genesis man myself (if you don't think Phil Collins is radical, you just ain't smart!1!!). In fact, I'm the member of the Raging Radical Republican Religious Right! That's a group made up of some amazing people and we go on vacations and get time-shares and stuff with corporations. It's cool. Anyway, you don't need to be a square to not have sex, I'm not square, and I'm proud to say, in a radical, awesome, and totally down to earth way, I'M NOT GOING TO LET SEX DESTROY ANY CHANCE THAT I HAVE IN AN EMOTIONALLY SATISFYING RELATIONSHIP, IN FACT, I REALLY DON'T WANT TO HAVE SEX EVEN WHEN I'M IN THAT RELATIONSHIP, BECAUSE IT WOULD TOTALLY RUIN ANY REAL CONNECTION THAT WE HAD AND THAT WOULD NOT BE THAT COOL AT ALL AS I ENJOY THOSE CONNECTIONS WHEN THEY FORM!!!!! Just a thought man, radical abstinence is a great thing in life, and you should live by it.
Post: Okay dudes:
Seriously guys and girls! Well, I guess it's just us dudes here, but come on man! We need more recruitment!
Oh well. Here's a poem I wrote about how totally awesome and cool virginity is:
Virginity?
Virginity!
You mean things to me,
Like the syrup from a tree,
You are important to me.
If you leave,
I'll be decieved,
and want to grieve.
I CANNOT BREATHE!
Do not leave!
Because I want to be able to breathe!
Breathing is important to me
Important like you,
Virginity.
I totally hope you get the hidden message in that poem. It's really deep, and it took me a super long time to write it. I know you're thinking, "Dude, that's really deep." Well you're right dude, you're right.
Peace out, and remember: keep your man thing out of their hoo-hahs, and they'll keep their hoo-hahs away from your man things, but most importantly, you'll both keep your dignity.
Post: Been awhile:
Hey, I just wanted to let all of you guys and girls know, and this is totally true, that if you end up having sex with someone, you'll have to have sex with everyone that they've ever had sex with. It's ok though, I think you get like, ten years or so to do it, so you've got plenty of time. Point is, don't have sex with one person, or you'll end up having sex with, like, thirty. Unless they've never had sex with anyone. Or just one other person....oh well, either way, if you have sex, you'll go to hell and be sodomized by little fire-rocks. It's in the bible. Look it up.
posted by SCY at 10:27 PM
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